Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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