I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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