This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
