Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
