Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
