You smell like a Billy Joel song
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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