What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
