I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
