chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
