I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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