Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
