How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Randomize
