Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
