So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
