Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
