I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
