after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
