you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
