Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
