I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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