I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
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