Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
