this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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