Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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