You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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