fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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