At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Randomize
