you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
