mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
