so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
