every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
