Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
