i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
