I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
