Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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