Your face is a jimmy john
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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