and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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