My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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