My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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