I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i will never coherently bang her
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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