I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
