I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
