Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
