Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
