my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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