We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
