Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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