Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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