Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
