That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
